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Barack Obama
Oil Spill: 5 New Rules and Regulations for Talking About BP Disaster
1. Anyone can criticize the Obama administration as long as they've never said either of the following: "Drill, Baby, Drill" or "Drill Here, Drill Now." As I do not* fall into that category, allow me to Obama: Ken Salazar was a terrible choice; the take away lesson is not "don't worry, we will still drill" it's "this is what the 'invisible hand' of unregulated capitalism looks like."
2. There will be a moratorium on Katrina/BP oil spill analogies. Katrina : Oil Spill :: Holocaust : Slavery--corny, sloppy, lazy comparisons not supported by history or empirical evidence, made by people who either mistakenly think they are smart or intentionally create false equivalencies. (Even Joe Scarborough calls the Katrina/ Oil Spill analogy "obscene.") Once it is determined that Obama responded to the disaster by giving John McCain a birthday cake, playing guitar with a country singer , flying over but not setting foot in the Gulf area, Katrina: Oil Spill analogies may resume.
3. There will be a moratorium on FOX/MSNBC News analogies.FOX: MSNBC = Tea Party: Crazy Left Violent Marxists who are making death threats to Republicans**. Anyone who makes the false equivalency claim that MSNBC is Obama's/ The Left's Fox, will be forced to watch MSNBC for 24 hours and record the number of times an anchor criticizes Obama. Both articulate, intelligent criticisms, such as those made by Ed Schultz, as well as inane sound bites repeated again and again by apparent Tourettes sufferer Andrea Mitchell must be tallied.
4. Exxon Valdez is pronounced Valdez. Valdeez*** is make-believe Spanish invented by people who have never taken a Spanish class. When in doubt, pronounce the word as it's spelled. Don't overcompensate by trying to give it a Latin flavor. (This applies to "Chavez," as in Hugo or Cesar as well, which is pronounced CHAvez not ChaVEZ.)
5. Automatically blaming Halliburton every time you hear of a preventable fatal tragedy due to cutting corners and saving money or a rape cover-up is not paranoia or a knee-jerk reaction. It is a statistical probability supported by empirical studies reported in peer reviewed journals.
Weekly News Roundup: Muslims, Gays, Nazis and More!
for more visit katiehalper.com and
twitter.com/kthalps
1. After obsessing over Muslim background of suspected Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad, media becomes enlightened and religiously tolerant, and overlooks fact that the man who helped foil bomb plot was Muslim too.
2. Anti-gay activist George Rekers's covert operation to save and convert gay male prostitute foiled. Rekers, who co-founded the right-wing Family Research Council with James Dobson, was photographed coming home from a European vacation with a male prostitute he found on the website rentaboy. Rekers, who recently testified against gay adoption, was clearly trying to straighten out the prostitute and explained: "I deliberately spend time with sinners with the loving goal to try to help them." In order to understand the sinner, Rekers had to go undercover, which explains why he was able to convince the prostitute he was gay. Rekers even subjected himself to a move he dubbed the "long stroke," which, the escort describes as "a rubbing down there... across his penis, thigh... and his anus over the butt cheeks."
3. Greece experiences mixed emotions over crisis. Despite economic hardship, social unrest, and violence Greece excited to, once again, influence Western civilization.
4.Obama's response to oil spill criticized by respected policy wonks and intellectual heavyweights. Former Bush spokeswoman Dana Perino, who has admitted, "I really don't know about the Cuban Missile Crisis. It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I'm pretty sure," now says, "I'm not trying to introduce a conspiracy theory, but was this [BP oil spill] deliberate? You have to wonder...if there was sabotage involved." And former Arabian Horse Association Ethics Commissioner/FEMA Director Michael "you're doing a heck of a job, Brownie" Brown called the fire "exactly what they want, because now he [Obama] can pander to the environmentalists...This president has never supported big oil, he's never supported offshore drilling, and now he has an excuse to shut it back down."
5.Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell (R) wins prize for Most Understated Diplomatic Description of Nazism. When asked his opinion on the Arizona immigration law, McDonnell said "the whole idea of carrying papers... brings up shades of some other regimes that were not particularly helpful to democracy and civil rights."
State Of The Union: Deep Twitter Thoughts on SOTU
Before the State Of The Union
- kthalps: guys, the only way obama can repeal dont ask dont tell is if we dont ask dont tell. so shut up abt it. duh!
State Of The Union Starts
kthalps: I guess we'll have accept third-place "I do not accept
second-place for the United States of America." -Barack Obama.#SOTU
#Union address
- kthalps: joe biden blinks a lot. Nancy Pelosi barely blinks. Between the two of them, they blink at an average rate. #SOTU
- kthalps: did Joe Biden & Nancy Pelosi coordinate wearing
purple (tie and suit, respectively)? And was that a reference 2 shades
of blue/red = purple - kthalps: looks like America is united by collective desire to punish banks!
- kthalps: u know Sandra Sotomayor had 2 use all self control 2 not slap Alito for saying "not true" #SOTU
- kthalps: I wrote Sandra Sotomayor intentionally. I was honoring O'Conner 4 opening door for female judges like Sonia. DUH!
After SOTU
- kthalps: Chris Matthews' comments about forgetting Obama was black was so Matthewsian. #sotu
McDonnell Response
- kthalps: Where did the Republicans find the three black people to stand behind Bob McConnell? #SOTU
- kthalps: why does the asian guy in glasses behind mcconnell keep nodding? It's like he's a bobble head #SOTU
- kthalps: sorry, make that mcdonnel. all white names look the same to me
- kthalps:i think "we welcome ur ideas on facebook and twitter" was not a joke. But audience laughed. Awks
- kthalps: oh snap! McConnel's daughter was in the army. Can't say
that about Sasha or Malia, can you Barack Obama! Boooyakashah! #SOTU
response - kthalps: oh nice! McDonnel is advocating torture! "foreign terror suspect given same rights as U.S. citizen" I love it when Republicans get rt to the point #SOTU response
- kthalps: did they build this set especially for McDonnel's speech? #SOTU response
Commentary after SOTU & response
- kthalps: my mom on Anthony Weiner: "He was
never married b4? Katie, find me a picture of his girlfriend online"
#SOTU #thingsmymomsays - kthalps: david Axelrod needs to brush his eyebrows. They got all hot & bothered during #SOTU
Comparing Obama to Hitler
Political scientists and historians from Rush Limbaugh to Sean Hannity to Lyndon LaRouche to that woman with short brown hair who, I deduce, must be a scholar of German history, are comparing Obama to Hitler and his likening his health care plan to Nazism. Liberal bullies and freedom of speech haters like Barney Frank are trying to silence these brave Americans who are speaking truth to Nazi power just as they want to smother our grandmothers. But is it so wrong to compare the Communist-Nazi-Muslim-Jeremiah Wright-following Obama to Hitler? Does comparing health care reform aimed at saving millions of lives to an extermination of millions of lives trivialize the holocaust? I think not! They say those who don't learn their history are condemned to repeat its mistakes. Well, a quick look at the history, the facts and data analysis reveal the frightening and shocking similarities between Obama and Hitler. Will America realize this before its too late?
| Adolph Hitler | Barack Obama | |
|---|---|---|
| Hair Color | Brown | Brown |
| Looks | Dark Brown | Dark Brown |
| Gender | Male | Male |
| Facial Hair | Moustache | None (That We Know Of) |
| Number of syllables in first name | Two | Two |
| Number of white mothers | One | One |
| Height | Taller Than 5'5", Shorter Than 6'5" | Taller Than 5'5", Shorter Than 6'5" |
| Ideology | National Socialism | Nouvelle Socialism |
| Previous Job | Community Organizer | Community Organizer |
| Special Names For Jews | "Parasites" "Bolsheviks" | "Rahm" "David" |
| Rapport With German Crowds | Excellent | Excellent |
| Health Care Policy | Dr Mengele, Torture, Experimentation | Secretary Sebalias, Plug-Pulling, Innovation |
| End Of Life Care | Premature Euthanasia | Death Panels |
| Rule Countries They Weren't Born In | Born In Austria, Ruled In Germany | Born In Africa, Rules America |
| Number of people killed | 9 Million | 9 Million (Number Of People I Predict Obama Will Kill) |
The Ten Most Shocking Personal Moments of the Supreme Court
- Judge Breyer opens up about exploring his sexuality: "In my experience when I was 8 or 10 or 12 years old, you know, we did take our clothes off once a day.... We changed for gym, O.K.? And in my experience, too, people did sometimes stick things
in my underwear."
- Scalia declares that when it comes to allegations of crotching, you're guilty until searched and/ or proven innocent: "You search in the student's pack, you search the student's outer garments, and you have a reasonable suspicion that the student has drugs.... Don't you have, after conducting all these other searches, a reasonable suspicion that she has drugs in her underpants? You've searched everywhere else.... By God, the drugs must be in her underpants."
- Scalia challenges stereotypes about Italians using their hands. Scalia insists the gesture is not offensive or obscene, in which case it can only be interpreted as a gesture or Jewish-Italian hand-using unity.
- Rehnquist is accused of being a Jew by President Nixon. Referring to Rehnquist as ''Renchberg...the guy dressed like a clown," alluding to Rehnquist's loud shirt and
psychedelic tie, the president asked, ''Is he Jewish? He looks it.'' - Rehnquist brings jazz hands into court. The musical theater buff adds 4 gold braid stripes to the sleeves of his robe after seeing a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's "Iolanthe," in which The Lord Chancellor (comic baritone) wears the costume.
- Clarence Thomas makes history by becoming first Supreme Court justice accused of asking "Who has pubic hair on my coke?"
- John Roberts is trans-friendly. A member of the drama club at high school, Roberts plays the female character of Peppermint Patty in the school's production of You're A Good Man Charlie Brown.
- Mom's say the darnedest things. While her son is trying to stay "mum" on roe v wade, Rose
Alito tells the media "of course he's against abortion." - "I promised myself I wouldn't cry." After Alito is attacked for his membership (which he can't even recall) in a harmless group (committed to blocking women and minorities from being admitted to Princeton,) Alito's wife starts "crying hysterically after Ted Kennedy made her cry"/ after being reminded she married a bigot.
- Nominee gets verbed. Bork gets "borked," this losing the nomination but winning the honor of having his name become a verb ("to bork")
Live Blogging The Non State of the Union
To read in order scroll down and read up. Like Hebrew but vertically, not horizontally.
Katie My mom on Obama: "He's such a nice kid, he's such a nice guy. I like him so much."via Ping.fm -
Obamas Trash Family Values
The first day on the job, President Obama flaunted his far left liberal colors at the "Swinging" Inaugural Ball. Sources close to Michelle and Barack say the couple has an army uniform fetish.
NY Times Laugh Lines: Surviving the Obama Comedy Crisis: A Report From the Front Lines
I'm in this NYTimes.com Laugh Lines thing. Pretty cool. I hope Obama reads it. See the full article with other responses from my partners in comedic crime Lee Camp and Baratunde Thurston and from writers from The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, The Late Show with David Latterman, Real Time with Bill Maher and more by clicking on the read more link below
Cartoons / Humor
Surviving the Obama Comedy Crisis: A Report From the Front Lines
Guest Humorist | Daniel Kurtzman
For those in the business of political mockery, the last 16 years have been a glorious golden age. If Bill Clinton was a full-employment act for political comedians, then George W. Bush was a welfare program.
But when Barack Obama takes the oath of office on Tuesday, the era of easy presidential punch lines may be coming to a close. As it has been widely noted in humor circles, Obama remains a tough target. So far, the most memorable Obama mockery has ranged from the utterly atrocious (see: the “Barack the Magic Negro” song parody debacle) to the mildly amusing (Fred Armisen’s competent but guffaw-free impersonation of Obama on “Saturday Night Live”).
What’s in store for political humor in the age of Obama? Will he be the president who presides over the bursting of the comedy bubble? Or can he find a way to bail out the comedy industry too? There’s no better way to find out than directly from those on the front lines of the comedy crisis — the comedians, joke writers, and satirists tasked with the urgent work of fortifying our nation’s strategic humor reserves:
Katie Halper, comic, blogger and co-founder of Laughing Liberally:
I’m freaking out because it’s hard, not to mention forbidden, to make fun of your messiah. In all honesty, I’m not nervous that Obama won’t make any material-inspiring mistakes — he already has. His vote on FISA was disappointing (although it does show Obama’s in touch with the American people and listening to everything we say). And unless a native American lesbian Wicca priestess delivers part two of Obama’s invocation, Rick Warren will not represent inclusion (although the pastor does resemble a big tent). But how can I stay mad? All Obama has to do is smile at Fareed Zakaria or go topless in Hawaii, and my ire and satire melt away. Oh, Obama, I hate myself for loving you.
The Week in News: The GOP's Humor Deficit
Image by Getty Images via Daylife
- Barack the Magic Negro "Joke" exposes the GOP's true colors: Conservatives are not, never were, and never will be funny.
- Diane Feinstein prefers pro-torture CIA Drector, but will accept Panetta nomination -- if you twist her arm... or waterboard Her.
- Topless Obama: Good news for fans of Obama (and his pecs). Obama says appearing shirtless "goes with this job." Heeeeello!
- Bush calls his No Child Left Behind Plan a "liberation" [of children from education].
- Arrest of young men who attacked black and latino men and ran over white man they thought was black proves some racists are too dumb to understand how racism works.
Joe Biden Explains Rick Warren Choice: "This Is a Time to Reach Out." Not Reach Around.
Joe Biden is never at a loss for words. Clearly this former stutterer is making up for lost time. So when George Stephanopoulos asked Biden why Obama had chosen Warren--a man who compares homosexuality to incest and pedophelia--to deliver the invocation, Biden got right to the point:
"Well, look, Barack Obama, candidate Obama, Senator Obama, President-elect Obama [JUST SO WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE ON WHICH BARACK OBAMA I'M TALKING ABOUT] has a--a stellar and outspoken record in support of equality for all Americans, including gay and lesbian Americans. But he also has made a judgment--I think correctly--that in order to heal the wounds of this country and move this country forward so we get out of this--this--this mindset overstated of red and blue and the like--that he was going to reach out, he was going to reach out...this is a time to reach out [NOT REACH AROUND.]"
This prudish position is somewhat surprising coming from a man who once waxed romantic about spending time with men in foxholes:
"I've been in these foxholes with these kids, literally in bunkers with them. Let me tell you something, nobody asked anybody else whether they're gay in those foxholes. Our allies--the British, the French, all our major allies--gays openly serve. I don't know the last time an American soldier said to a backup from a Brit, 'Hey, by the way, let me check. Are you gay? Are you straight?' This is ridiculous."









