John McCain

After decades of being persecuted for their nontraditional marriages, Mormons were thrilled to organize their members to support Proposition 8, a California amendment which stripped gays and lesbians of their right to wed, a right which the California Supreme Court had granted. The Church of Latter Day Saints, renounced polygamy in 1890, but they continue to worship a text which exalts it and follow a religion which breads fundamentalism. The Mormons feared that, if not stopped, equal rights would creep into other states. Spokesman Mike Otterson said "If same-gender marriage is approved in California...other states will follow suit." The Church issued a letter, which was read in every congregation, urging members to donate their "means and time" to pass Prop 8. The Yes on 8 campaign estimates that up to 40 percent of its donations come from Mormons. And so, the people who had insisted that marriage is between a man and a woman and a woman and a woman...would not stand for a marriage between two men or two women.

In the letter grounded their argument in their founding texts, saying "Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and the formation of families is central to the Creator's plan for His children." I wonder why they didn't quote their Prophet Brigham Young, who said "Marriage is a civil contract. You might as well make a law to say how many children a man shall have, as to make a law to say how many wives he shall have. It would be as sensible to make a law to say how many horses or oxen he shall possess, or how many cows his wife shall milk." Perhaps Mormons will next campaign for an oxen-based amendment.

Anti Prop 8 activists are fighting to repeal the Church's tax exempt status, which is a good move because, for Mormons, there is a holy alliance between the IRS and God.

Consider, for example, the long-held Mormon belief about black people. According to the Book of Mormon, blacks (the Lamanite race) received their dark skins and inferior status as punishment. According to The Pearl of Great Price, another authoritative text, anyone who was black or who had a black ancestor could not be ordained.

"For behold, they had hardened their hearts against him, that they had become like unto a flint; wherefore, as they were white, and exceedingly fair and delightsome, that they might not be enticing unto my people the Lord God did cause a skin of blackness to come upon them."

And lo and behold, when the IRS threatened to revoke the Church's tax-exempt status, because of their policy against admitting black priests, God told the President of the Morman Church, through a revelation, that it was time to let black people in. . I will not attempt to tease out the theological subtleties--if the Creator speaks through the Internal Revenue Service, or if the Service itself is sacred in some central way. Suffice to say that the IRS plays a powerful role in the Church's evolving beliefs, and at the very least uses the same postal service the Creator. God moves in mysterious ways, often accompanied by IRS threats.

Go to one of the peaceful protests against Proposition 8 and maybe you'll witness a revelation yourself.

Related: Mitt Romney Quits Race to Spend More Time With His Wives

Before you vote on Proposition 8, you need to read this. I used to be like you--for Gay marriage. And I thought that the proposition, which aims to overturn the supreme court ruling which recognized gay marriage, was dumb, distracting, and, obvi, discriminating, disenfranchising, homophobic, embarrassing for the country etc.

But that was before I saw the sign, and--to quote the Ace of Base anthem--it opened up my eyes. (Ace of Base is just soooo right on sometimes.) The sign was more physical than most epiphanies. It was literally a sign--a sign being held at an anti-gay marriage rally. And it said "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steven."*

I immediately began to question myself, what I knew and what I thought I knew.

1) The first thing I questioned was why nobody had suggested taking the "n" of of the "Steven," rendering it "Steve." It's not that the motto "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steven" isn't catchy and powerful. But wouldn't a rhyming "God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" sign be even more effective?

2) So my next question was towards myself: Had I been making uneducated assumptions about homophobia. I had always assumed that homophobia was a fairly straight forward phenomenon. The final "N" showed me that homophobia was much more textured and mutlifaceted than I had wanted to admit. There is your run of the mill dumb homophobia, whose members would have, for example, redone the sign or at least crossed out the N. And then there's really, really dumb homophobia, in which obvious poetry rules are ignored or, more likely, missed.

3) Then I wondered if I was, once again, underestimating homophobia. Was the N not mistake, but part of a deliberate poetic plan in which exact rhyme was eschewed and Emily Dikensonian near rhyme was embraced? Was this idiocy? Or the emergence of a homophobic experimental poetry sub culture?

4) Who was the dumb one now? That would be me. For making an ass out of u m e and homophobia.

So if you want to vote yes on artistic expression and yes on the renaissance of homophobic poetry, which has been called** "homo-phoetry," and no on civil rights, you'll vote Yes on Proposition 8! You'll also want to make sure you vote for McCain-Palin, especially since Palin announced desire to amend the constitution and ban gay marriage. (In all fairness, the Governess is not that familiar with the Constitution, so she may not know what this all means.) Palin explains that she is "not going to be out there judging individuals, sitting in a seat of judgment telling what they can and can't do, should and should not do." She'll just non judgementally criminalize their way of life.

*I swear I saw this sign. I didn't have any camera on me, but this is for real. I mean, it would be a really bizarre thing and not quite over the top enough to make up.

** by "has been called" I mean "has been called by the author."

Take a look at this photo of McCain speaking at Florida International University, flanked by his wife Cindy and his ambassador to the Jews, Joe Lieberman. What's wrong with this image? Scroll down to find out.

Liberals are going totally loco over McCain's response to the idea of meeting with Spanish Prime Minister Luis Rodríguez Zapatero. When asked about it, McCain responded by saying "All I can tell you is that I have a clear record of working with leaders in the Hemisphere that are friends with us and standing up to those who are not. And that's judged on the basis of the importance of our relationship with Latin America and the entire region...we are now working in cooperation with the Mexican Government." When the rude and uber-nationalist, jingoistic Spanish-speaking reporter explained "I'm talking about the president of Spain." McCain countered with, "I'm willing to meet with any leader who is dedicated to the same principles and philosophy that we are for human rights, democracy and freedom and I will stand up to those that do not."

Liberals all over are trying to figure out why McCain is dissing Spain and/or confusing Spain with Latin America. I have my own theories and here they are: McCain doesn't want to meet with Zapatero because...

1) the Spanish Prime Minister promotes the Homosexual agenda through his "curious" lisp and his legalization of gay marriage.

2) he doesn't want to encourage more Spanish people to sneak across our borders and steal our jobs, replacing hamburgers with paella, square dancing with flamenco and baseball with bullfighting.

3) he was unclear whether the reporter was talking about THE Zapatero or a zapatero, and McCain thinks it's a little below him to commit to a meeting with his cobbler.

4) he still hasn't forgiven Spain for the inquisition, which he remembers losing friends to, and which haunts him to this day.

5) as a skin cancer survivor, McCain resents Spain's pro sun propaganda.

Forget about the "Drill here, Drill now!" jingle. "Drill Baby Drill" is the new and improved Freudian phallic call to action.

"Drill Baby Drill," the chant that dominated the RNC  on Wednesday night,  is all up in our national discourse's grill. Wired Science Magazine just announced a "Drill, Baby, Drill!" remix contest. And on today's Meet the Press, Thomas Friedman got his panties all up in a bunch over the drilling national anthem, which he compared to, " demanding, 'IBM Selectric typewriters, IBM Selectric typewriters'... on the eve of the IT revolution, the revolution of PCs and the internet." Friedman acknowledged he wasn't there at the Excel Center. But you know who was (and has two opposable thumbs)? THIS guy.  So, allow me to share.

I'll never forget sitting in a sea of white people, encouraging everyone  to  "Drill, Baby, Drill." Not that I don't love the  "Drill Here, Drill Now" classic, coined by John McCain. But there's something especially catchy and inspiring about "Drill, Baby, Drill." And it inspired me to think the following:

1) I need to write an oil exploration cover of the song The Trammps' (Burn, baby, burn) Disco Inferno.  FYI, I already started my cover of Jesus Jones' Right Here/ Right Now which goes a little something like this: Drill Here/ Drill Now/ There is no other place/ I'd like to drill.

2) There could be an inverse relationship between how much Republicans get laid and how much they support laying pipe in natural reserves. If Republicans got their own drill on, would they be less "excited" by the vicarious drilling exploits and conquests proposed by Mc-Palin? 

When Entertainment Weekly conducted a Woodward and Bernstein-like investigation of "all the presidential candidates'" pop culture favorites, I was shocked-and-awed to learn you are a Curb Your Enthusiasm fan.

Although I disagree with your policies, I must admit I share your taste in television, which, as they say, makes strange bedfellows. So, as a fellow fan, I beg you to "curb your enthusiasm" for the show. Since your endorsement, I've been unable to think of Curb without imagining this frightening image: You are in one of your nine houses in full relaxation mode, you've kicked off your $520 Ferregamo calf skin loafers and you're curled up on the couch with Cindy (whom you just arm wrestled for the remote), snuggling under a polar-bear-fur blanket while a taxidermied bald eagle keeps vigil on the mantle with caribou heads and framed ABBA albums on the walls and you're surrounded by good friends like John Hagee, Rod Parsley and Ralph Reed --your adopted child nowhere in sight (as usual)-- everyone laughing away. I'm scared that this image will haunt me forever and prevent me from enjoying the next season, which I've been looking forward to with much excitement.

I understand that the awkward, white-haired curmudgeon who is always saying the wrong thing as his significantly younger blond wife smiles and suffers is a character with whom you can identify. But I think once you consider the aspects of the show you might have missed, or tried to repress, you'll want to retract your endorsement for the sake of your campaign, your maverick-like integrity, and your country.

1) Larry David is a straight covert operative working for the homosexual agenda. Some of his best friends are gay! When he was in The Producers, he caught some gay cooties from the gay choreographer. In another episode, Larry tried to bring a born-again straight woman "back in the lesbian bosom," making her call off her sanctified marriage. The man is literally a self-avowed "friend o' lesbians."

You're less of an FOL, and more of an EOG (enemy of the gays). You want to keep children safe in orphanages where they can't be adopted recruited by gay parental predators.

2) Larry David hates Bush. His Bush-hatred is stronger than his libido! He is about to score with Cady Huffman when the framed photo of Bush she keeps on her dresser causes Larry to lose his...interest. You may have thought that a Bush photo has an anti-Viagra effect on Larry the character, not Larry the man. But sadly, for you, the real Larry David isn't too much of a fan either. He was employing something called sarcasm (it's a very Jew thing) when he wrote:

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War. I can't tell you how many people thought I had signed up just to avoid going to Vietnam. Nothing could be further from the truth...But I also knew that our country was being torn asunder by opposition to the war...it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then. If only. Once a month, for an entire weekend--I'm talking eight hours Saturday and Sunday--we would meet in a dank, cold airplane hangar. Once, they took us into the woods and dropped us off with nothing but compasses and our wits. One wrong move and I could've wound up on Queens Boulevard. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to find my way out of there and back to the hangar. Some of my buddies did not fare as well and had to call their parents to come and get them.

You heart Bush.

3) Larry David reads and contributes to the communist press. Larry implores his doctor to replace the crappy magazines he keeps in the waiting room with good magazines like The Nation. The real Larry David appears in Nation ads (as one of the many people who doesn't own it--another indication of the communistic mentality he shares with journal). And--I hope you're sitting down--the real Larry David writes for the Huffington Post.

YOU are not a fan of Arianna Huffington, or as you like to call her, "the source." (Oh snap.)

4) Larry David is a Prius-driving anti-creationist. He even said, "Candidates who do not believe in evolution are not my cup of tea."

YOU are a Harley Davidson-sniffing intelligent designer. You love the "sound of freedom" that emanates from Harleys' revving their engines. You know we need to "drill more, drill now." And intelligent design is Kool Aid of choice!

5) Larry David endorses Obama. Larry is not, however, unsympathetic to undecided voters: "Let's see....one was against the war in Iraq from the beginning, and one wants to keep the troops there for another hundred years. I can see your dilemma."

YOU think Obama is a wounded-troops-snubbing, middle-class-taxing, blond-haired-celebrity, possibly socialist, prophet of the Jews.

(Written in satire. A literal trasnlation for the tonally impaired is available upon request.)

This weekend I went to Austin, Texas, to attend the third annual Netroots [Aryan] Nation, the convention formerly known as Yearly Kos and recently called a "Klan gathering" by Bill O'Reilly. I agree with O'Reilly that "including the Nazis and the Klan... there is not a more hateful group in the country than the Daily Kos People." I too hate this hateful conference, which encourages democracy, open politics, participatory democracy, grass roots organizing and other Nazi-ish thing. But I attend each year, under the guise of a Laughing Liberally comic and Living Liberally leader, in order to counter the lies of the liberal media, who receive their talking points and marching orders directly from Subcomandante Markos [Moulitsas]. I go because somebody needs to document the atrocities that are ignored by the appeasement era press and distorted by the Netroots deniers. I go to show the world the truth. I go to say Never Again.

So, here are some of the things you won't hear from the liberal media about the four-day gathering of over 2,000 progressive bloggers, journalists, politicians and activists.

1. The netroots are so vicious that Obama was forced to flee to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

2. The netroots are reconsidering their position on FISA. Although they were disappointed with Obama's vote and his absence from the conference, they have now realized that thanks to the new FISA law, Obama could hear everything they said.*

3. The surprise guest was no surpirse. Everyone knew the surprise guest would be Al Gore. Duh! He is the inventor of the series of tubes known as the internets.

4. Al Gore proved global warming is real, beyond the shadow of a doubt. I'll admit it, I was a skeptic about global warming. But that was before I saw Al Gore speak live. Because what An Inconvenient Truth doesn't capture, is Gore's presence, energy, and sweat. After watching Gore sweat in an air-conditioned convention hall, it is impossible not to believe in global warming.

5. Al Gore is anti-American. During his speech, Gore mentioned wind turbines several times. Well, wind baseball caps are fine with me, Mr. Vice President. Love it or leave it!

6. The Socialist Party made a debut at the Convention. The convention has had Democrats and recovering Republicans. But this year for the first time, with Nancy Pelosi's attendance, the conference hosted a member of the Socialist Party.

7. Nancy Pelosi has sound judgment (for a Socialist). The Speaker of the House is a radical San Franciscan and a pusher of the Homosexual agenda, Yet when she spoke in Austin, Pelosi demonstrated sound judgment and astute reasoning through her vibrant mint green pants suit, a tasteful Clinton-Cleavage-free blouse, neutral but elegant tan heels, and warm honey highlights.

8. Donna Edwards does not belong in politics. If I learned anything from Representative Edwards' keynote speech, it's that she is too honest, hard-working, passionate, genuine, inspired, and inspiring to be in Congress. What is she thinking?

9. Contrary to popular belief, bloggers do have a sense of humor. The Netroots Nation gift bags included condoms.

10. John McCain should not be misunderestimated by the netroots. After all, McCain is already "aware of the internet." By next year's convention in Pittsburgh, the maverick may know how to get online.

*David Boyle: Thank you for helping midwife or fertilize this joke.